The newly minted Minister for Pandemic Affairs paced his spacious chamber, feeling powerful & important.
He paused to stare into the almost empty city through the large window and, in a dramatic fashion, swung around to face his 3 Advisors shuffling papers at the large table.
Minister — We are in a nation-wide lockdown. What’s brewing?
Advisor 1 — Various citizen groups & industry lobbies are hounding us, sir.
Minister — Only food & medicine can be considered essentials. That’s the filter we must use. Nothing else can be allowed. We must contain the spread.
Advisor 2 — Very good, sir. Easy ones first. How do we handle the angry protests of the Smartphone Addicts Union? They want smartphones to be declared as essential products.
M — Can’t we ban the Union?
A3 — Very difficult, sir. Our citizens can possibly survive without food & medicine, but smartphones are smarter than us and a national addiction. Besides, the smartphone industry provides livelihood to millions of people and contributes 2% to our GDP.
M — Ok, we need the addicts. Next?
A1 — The members of the National Alcohol & Tobacco Fans Federation are in dire straits, sir.
M — Ask them to go to hell.
A2 — That would mean a loss of about 20% of govt revenues and we would be financially crippled, sir.
M — Very well, let the members have their fix.
The ambitious Minister took pride in his ability to take quick decisions. His Advisors were delighted to work with him.
A3 — The MESS Coalition are exerting considerable influence, sir.
M — MESS?
A3 — The Movie, Entertainment, Spa & Salon industry folks have joined hands, sir. They want to function.
M — Amidst the pandemic?
A3 — Yes sir. Actors & celebrities have pointed out the industry’s importance to GDP & jobs. Besides, our citizens are getting restless locked up at homes and desperately want to be MESSed up.
M — You got a point. We need the MESS.
A1 — The next one is easy, sir. Various industry bodies representing investment bankers, bitcoin traders, junk jewellery, luxury cosmetics, fashion clothing, used goods dealers, etc. want to keep their businesses open.
M — We can’t touch businessmen. Next.
A3 — Hospitals are running out of beds & oxygen, sir.
M — Well, that’s a complicated one. I will leave it to you guys to handle it. What else?
A3 — Scientists & medical experts are up in arms, sir.
M — Why?
A3 — They whine we don’t heed them enough.
M — Just ignore them. They will learn.
A1 — Sir, we are running short of vaccines and the entire supply chain is in a mess. We need to take urgent decisions on pricing & distribution.
M — Take them, by all means. Am I stopping you? Next.
A2 — Millions have lost jobs and going hungry.
M — That’s nothing new. Handle it the usual way.
A1 — We got a special pandemic discount from our overseas defence suppliers on the multi-billion dollar military equipment deal, sir.
M — No discount on our commissions, I presume? Be firm. Keep it off radar.
A2 — The Journalists Junkies Union have gone to the courts protesting our clampdown on their freedom. Quite a nuisance, sir.
M — Invoke arcane acts & laws, jail them, put them out of business. You know my position. Don’t bring me such mundane matters.
A3 — A silver lining, sir.
M — What?
A3 — The POOP is imploding, sir.
M — Excuse me?
A3 — The Perplexed Organisation of Opposition Parties, sir.
M — You nerds come up with too many acronyms. Well, I guess they just pooped out. As expected.
A3 — We have received reliable intelligence that the Courts & Judges Confederacy is planning a legal coup of sorts, sir.
M — I am one step ahead of you on this. I have already sacked those judges and getting a new Chief Justice appointed. We will soon invoke emergency powers.
A2 — Fantastic, sir.
M — Never let a panic go waste.
A2 — What’s your message to the nation today, sir
M — We live in an uncertain world. This is a new normal. Pandemics are here to stay. The Ministry of Pandemic Affairs is gearing up to handle this and other future pandemics. We will leverage our enormous potential and emerge victorious….
A1 — Sir, sorry to interrupt…can I suggest a limerick to liven up your speech?
M — Go ahead
A1 — The Ministry of Pandemic Affairs is not a gimmick.
We are karmic & dynamic.
Be civic. Don’t frolic or panic.
And let us work our magic.
M — Amen
